The Divorce Coach

How can save money in divorce?

If your marriage or relationship has broken down

and you  need to get the most value from your lawyer, you should:

Leave the emotions outside the lawyers.

Ask - 'what do I want to achieve?' Make a list, then allocate the various issues to the people best able to deal with the different areas.

Ask 'what am I feeling?' and 'Who might best be able to help with this?'

Ask yourself: 'Do I need my lawyer for this?' and 'What's the alternative?' and 'What will the cost of engaging the lawyer in this instance be?' Think cost, tactics, relationships and emotional stress. Are they still the best person?

Ask what your partner's doing - if they too are using a Resolution lawyer then there may be a faster agreement.

This is an extract from our free eCourse 'Simple Steps to save serious money in divorce' available here to readers wishing to save money in divorce and relationship breakdown.

 
Kirsten Gronning

The Divorce Coach

Divorce is a life changing event. We help to make it positive too

Breaking up is so hard to do - the 7 stages of recovery

Break up recovery  - Suzy Miller' s 7 stages of recovery

Most people like to read about someone else's experiences in situations they identify with - especially where they got through. And if this isn't your experience, you may have clients who will learn from Suzy Miller's experience, or you may welcome the opportunity to learn more about the emotional aftermath of divorce - and how it can be empowering.

Suzy Miller writes from the heart here in her SOS (Starting Over Show) blog called The 7 stages after you break up .

Starting Over Show - All the things you need to know about breaking up and starting over in one SOS Useful Information Honest Communication Personal Transformation


Kirsten Gronning

Real divorce support when more than legal help is needed

After the summer...the divorce rush

Nest week divorce experts will be preparing for another rush of clients seeking divorce after the summer holidays as relationships which were already rocky become untenable with the pressures of holidays. If you are wondering how you can progress a separation or divorce, or wondering whether the relationship can be patched together again, from October (and every month) you can have the opportunity to speak with me, free of charge, to discuss any relationship breakdown related matters over the phone in a group tele-class. 

It will be necessary to register your interest in advance in order to obtain the telephone access information but you may do so anonymously if you wish. Notify me of any issues or specific questions you may have at the same time and I will do my best to include them. 

If you are within striking distance of London and seeking to learn as much as you can about what they’re about to go through - or are already going through - so that you take control, join us in the safe environment of the One-Stop Divorce Workshop where you have the opportunity of speaking to a specialist family lawyer, financial, relationship, and children experts about all the issues which arise. If you wish to save precious family assets and preserve your emotional well-being, put the next date in your diary now – Sat 13 September in Wimbledon. Better still, save £10 off the booking fee by taking advantage of the early bird discount and pay just £57. Book now on-line with the special code WSKPO845 or contact us for further information.
 
At the last workshop in Hampton on 31 May we were delighted family lawyer Kirsty Lovering, financial consultant and pensions adviser Ray Rastall and wills and trust adviser Gaynor Polirer joined us for the first time. All three experts enthusiastically set about answering the questions and imparting the information the workshop delegates asked for and they will be joining us again at the next Hampton workshop on 1 November. You can read more about our divorce workshop experts here.

Here is some feedback:

"Great for topline information and pointers to where to go for further help. A valuable starting point for the price."

"Good mix of experts (I wouldn’t have thought of wills & pensions – obviously very important.) I now see a way forward & hope! "

"Many thanks for an extremely useful and supportive workshop. I feel I can make contact with the specialists after the course if necessary."

'Divorce Lawyers prefer not to go to Court'

More good news (in our view) from divorce lawyers as they are increasingly recognising that the adversarial divorce system we have in the UK is exacerbating the adverse impact of family breakdown and needs to radically change. A huge shift is underway to move divorce from the ‘adversarial ‘norm’ and a recent survey showed that nine out of ten divorce lawyers supported a move to leave divorce courts out of divorce - they prefer not to go to court.

According to insidedivorce.com recent research carried out by Grant Thornton found that nine out of ten divorce lawyers would prefer to see greater emphasis on a less confrontational and more collaborative approach where couples work together with their legal advisers - and in some cases external specialists - to reach an agreement without the need to enter a court room.

Andrew Woolley, of Woolley and Co. commented: "We fully support this approach. Taking a case into a court room leads to spiralling costs for clients, drags the process out and does not guarantee an agreeable outcome for everyone anyway."

"It can also be traumatic for all parties, especially if there are any children involved."

"Sometimes there is an assumption from a client that to reach a fair financial settlement, or reach agreement over the children, they have to battle it out in court. TV and films could have a lot to answer for in that regard."

"Sitting down with their lawyer and stating what they reasonably would like, and keeping a civil relationship with their estranged spouse, so that they can come to an agreement without heading to court doesn't make good entertainment. But it will make the process much less traumatic and no less fair."

In our last newsletter we brought you news that senior family judges were making it clear that the system they have been working with for the last few decades is badly failing to help splitting families. Headlines like ‘High Court Judge warns family breakdown is as big a threat to national life as global warning' are an indication of how serious the problem is. Our clients are usually looking at ways to stay out of court, however the reality is that they are in court, or facing court. Why is this? I’m not a mathematician but surely if 9/10 divorce lawyers don’t want to go to court (according to the Grant Thornton survey above) and 9/10 The Divorce Coach clients don't want to go to court either, there should be less people destined for the divorce courts!

It's our view that they are normally in court because their partner won't engage with the process and sadly (for the client and usually their family too) those litigious partners will find a family lawyer who support them in ‘fighting it out' in court.

Will a future combination of divorce lawyers wishing to stay out of court and divorcing people wishing to stay out of court too reduce the amount of cases ultimately ending up in court? I suspect not - because starting litigation is often the only way of forcing the party who is dragging their heels to take action. Such are the delays in central London courts (and I’ve been told by divorce lawyers that decisions have to be made early on to commence litigation because there is such a waiting list for hearings) that, whilst this may indeed galvanise some people into action, there are others who relish their ‘day in court’ and will use it to delay matters even further. Litigious divorce lawyers and their clients will know that the enforced delays and resultant financial and emotional costs can often mean the spouse who did not wish to go to court (who is usually the less financially secure partner) is brought to their knees and may well end up se ttling for less because they cannot afford (financially and emotionally) to fight for more.

If lawyers REALLY prefer to see greater emphasis on a less confrontational approach, how is this message being put out to divorcing people in practice and how powerful is that message? Here’s my tu’ppeny ha’penny worth:

* To start with, we need more surveys like this from Grant Thornton and more press releases to support the new shift in thinking. 
* We need more collaborative lawyers across the board, not just at the higher net worth end. 
* We need divorce lawyers to recognise that they should be playing a small part in the divorce process – the legal part. And they need to tell their clients that seeking help for the non-legal aspects will save them time AND money. 
* We need the government to invest in educating people about the alternatives to litigation. It never ceases to amaze me that most people in the divorce process think family mediation is couples counselling. 
* We need to recognise why people 'fight' divorce (largely for emotional reasons) and help them to overcome these feelings so that they are better able to get through the process. 
* We need to learn from the Americans and other nationalities about celebrating divorce and talking about the process instead of sweeping it under the carpet. How much easier it would be if we could say 'We got together; it didn't work out; now we are ending it amicably so we can move on.'

And if we took more trouble to learn about ourselves and why we are going into long-term relationships and make sure our values are aligned with our partners before committing, we could make our relationships last for life.
  
An increasing number of divorce professionals including divorce lawyers believe that going to court and litigation in divorce should be a last resort. It will only be a last resort if all family lawyers and the government properly support people in taking responsibility for their part in the break-up; for educating them about how to dismantle the former partnership in a responsible way and being able to see that creating a new life is not impossible post-divorce. Crucially, separating and divorcing people have to want to utilise that support.
 

How do I divorce?

Don’t know where to start? Unable to attend our workshops? Stuck? Keen to help a friend in a hard place?

 

If you are looking for real ways forward, you are likely to find many answers by reading our acclaimed How to Successfully Split divorce self-help course available to download and read on-line at only £35. Sent over seven parts in two weeks, it will help you and that it is possible to have a best possible divorce - and an inexpensive one. Click here to read more and order on-line and start learning about your options through divorce, how to split the finances and much more in the comfort of your own armchair.

Surviving divorce – whose responsibility is it?

Surviving divorce is one of the most difficult things to do. As a divorce coach I believe it is absolutely crucial to people’s well–being that the more people seek help on the emotional front the better their outcome, as it is this support which will determine whether they move on after the event or they stay stuck in a ‘poor-me’ place - sometimes for the rest of their lives. 
 
What is divorce survival? And whose responsibility is it? In a nutshell, divorce survival to me is being able to look back once the dust has settled and accept that things are now very different (better even in some ways) but confident in the knowledge that you and your family are able to create a new – if sometimes very different - life. And that the ‘mistakes’ you made have enabled you to grow: you have learnt from them and you won’t make them again! 
 
Whose responsibility is it to survive? It’s your responsibility, 100%. Even if you are in a new relationship, to abdicate responsibility for your total survival is asking for it to all go wrong again further down the line. How do you take responsibility? Here are some tips:
 
* by finding or asking for help to work out your own solutions;  
* by looking at what you need to survive and how your personal situation might achieve that; 
* by asking for help in dealing with your fears, losses, guilt and anger;  
* by actively learning how to communicate effectively;  
* by learning to let go;  
* by embracing change; 
* by building confidence in your own abilities. 

Less adversarial lawyers know they need to give divorcing people more of what they really need and recognising their legal training doesn't necessarily equip them to do this. There is a shift toward recognising that this emotional and practical support needs to come from family and financial mediators, coaches especially divorce and parent coaches, life and relationship coaches and counsellors.

I am excited and proud to be a founder member of the Family & Divorce Coaching Alliance - a team of accredited coaches which is making this possible with Woolley & Co, an unusual specialist family law firm who really do what they say on the tin (that’s according to my clients who have used their services.)
 
To our knowledge, Woolley & Co is the first legal practice to support and promote divorce coaching in the UK. Regular readers will know that in past newsletters I have commended Woolley & Co's family law firm for the huge amount of genuinely very useful legal information they share on the web and for the fact that they offer a 30 minute free consultation by phone. This is a great starting point for some of my clients – those people who are not yet ready to take the plunge but need some good legal advice or for people who are trying to find the right ‘fit’ of lawyer without spending a lot of time and money in doing so. You can read more here about the Family & Divorce Coaching Alliance on the Woolley & Co family lawyers website and how we offer a free consultation to Woolley and Co clients.

For readers of this article who are divorce professionals, Woolley & Co distribute a very useful and unusual monthly magazine to fellow professionals working with clients who are to some degree or other impacted by family and matrimonial law. The publication includes articles on legal issues connected with marriage and divorce, related news which might be of interest and more. Contact Woolley & Co for more information.

Dating after divorce

Dating after divorce and dating and parenting

We are always open to polite requests to view posts and articles which may be of interest to readers and clients but increasingly fewer and fewer are, especially when it comes to dating. There are two exceptions in our view – The Singles Coach Trisha Stone always has content and programmes worth reading and listening to and she has re-launched her website www.imsingleagain.com with lots of very interesting content.

The other is an article "Dating After Divorce: 50 Tips to Get Back into the Groove" which is interesting. Not only does it give helpful tips on finding your feet again by re-discovering yourself (something many people fail to do as they rush headlong into a new relationship without finding out why the last one went wrong) but it gives a great summary of social networking sites available (for those who have the time!) and how to approach that first scary date. It also has tips on how to ‘date with kids’ - ‘making dating and parenting work together.’ I am not sure I have ever seen such an article, so full marks to the writers for tackling such a tricky subject. Click here to view the article entitled "Dating After Divorce: 50 Tips to Get Back into the Groove".

Preparing for court

"Preparing clients for court"

This was the title of an article in Resolution's "The Review" (family lawyers' magazine) July issue featuring a domestic violence case study and her lawyer.

The support services we offer at itsMYdivorce for people going to court are suitable for many highly emotional cases, including domestic violence cases.

The pilot study carried out by my colleague lawyer and mediator Shelagh Goldie last year featured two cases of marital domestic violence - the first an abused mother (and her son) in one study and an abused husband in another.

The former case is featured in this months July issue of the quarterly family lawyer's journal (Resolution's) The Review. Our client Catherine (name has been changed) got through what must be one of the most harrowing difficulties faced by a parent - proving abuse of their child by the other. The abuse she herself suffered became secondary. Her courage was amazing and is still being tested as her lawyers are seeking to make legal precedence with the case. You can read the article in pdf form here. The latter domestic violence case  - Julian's - is summarised here.

We firmly believe it was Catherines's courage and her ability to out the truth, drop any shame she may have felt and look and ask for the help she needed fast which helped her to convince the court of her case, with the help of her lawyers whom she had a lot of respect for.

Sadly, we suspect many people faced with similar challenges drown in despondency, not able to help themselves (let alone their children,) unable to speak about what is going on because of many factors which the counsellors amongst us will better identify. itsMYdivorce can't help in all these cases but if we can, we will do our very best. Please contact us, in confidence, to discuss how we can help.

Divorce Coach Services - help with your unanswered questions

We’ve been quietly overhauling our websites recently, so sorry there’s been no news for a little while. However, lots has been happening: both in the wider world of UK divorce and relationship breakdown, and in the services we at The Divorce Coach are offering to give separating and divorcing people more support, so that they come through less damaged.

Let’s catch up ... At The Divorce Coach we provide cost-effective help, divorce information and support for men and women facing separation, divorce and long-term relationship breakdown. Click here to read more about our services which include:

• Self-help course How to Successfully Split course is a self-help course to help with your unanswered questions, such as “How can I afford to divorce?” and “How do I divorce?” Priced at £35, it will help you to find answers to many of the common questions raised in long-term relationship breakdown.
  
  
• Telephone Support from £50.
  Navigate the potential minefield with telephone support tailored to your needs, coupled with unlimited e-mail support to keep you on track in-between telephone calls. Whether you are wondering whether divorce is the right path for you or if you are making your way through to the other side, our inexpensive telephone support can be booked as a one-off consultation or a monthly programme of on-going support.  
  
  We can also help post-divorce if you are wondering when life starts to get better again, and wish to explore the issues in more depth.
  
• Personal (face to face) Support  Some clients prefer to meet face-to-face at least once. We tailor our face-to-face services for individual clients.  
  
  
• Workshops  Learn how divorce experts can help with the unique 'One-Stop Divorce Workshops'  in London. Launched in autumn 2007, the next dates are 13 September and 1 November. We bring together a number of divorce experts to save you time and money in finding out the options available and to find answers to your questions.  
  
  
• Expert Speaker The Divorce Coach offers expert and motivational public speaker engagements.  Recent engagements include how it feels to be a litigant in person (with Richard and Judy on ITV and Lorraine Kelly on GMTV.

 

“There is help - am not on my own…”

The jigsaw pieces of the last 2 years and more are fitting together and I can see where our services fit into each other and the real value they are offering to help people save money and progress faster. This is no more evident than from the testimonials we receive - read them in our case study pages here.

We are working now with legal, coaching and business supervision to make sure the services we’re offering are the very best.

Contact me if you need the fog clearing. And subscribe to this blogfeeder or sign up to our newsletter here because in the next newsletter I’ll be writing about the new 1-2-1 services we’re offering under the itsMYdivorce brand which include courtroom support, McKenzie Friend support and emotional help. The sites are taking shape under these links: www.itsMYdivorce.co.uk and www.myMcKenziefriend.co.uk as well as www.divorcecoaching.co.uk